Forging Resilience
Join us as we explore experiences and stories to help gain fresh insights into the art of resilience and the true meaning of success.
Whether you're seeking to overcome personal challenges, enhance your leadership skills, or simply navigate life's twists and turns, "Forging Resilience" offers a unique and inspiring perspective for you to apply in your own life.
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Forging Resilience
S3 Ep92 Laura Coveny: Breaking the Silence
A single report cracked the silence. When Laura stumbled across research on child sexual exploitation in gang settings, she suddenly saw her teenage years reflected back in detail language for what had been unnamed, proof she wasn’t alone, and a doorway to tell her mother at last.
From that moment, a decade-long journey gathered momentum: specialist services, nights of journaling, breath that softened panic, movement that thawed freeze, and a gradual return to a body that once felt unsafe to live in.
In this conversation with Laura Coveney, we talk openly about sexual abuse, exploitation and their long-term impact. Laura shares her story of losing her dad at 14, her family collapsing around her, and being drawn into a world of gang members and drug dealers who sexually exploited her at a time when she was looking for somewhere to belong. If you’ve experienced sexual abuse or trauma yourself, or you’re close to someone who has, please know this episode may be activating. Look after yourself and listen in a way that feels safe.
That moment shattered her isolation, helped her find language for what happened, and led to a clear decision: “I will do whatever it takes to reconnect to myself.”
Laura talks about “keep going no matter what” in a way that includes rest, collapse, trial and error, misdiagnosis, and slowly rebuilding safety in her body through movement, journaling, breath work, somatics and, more recently, cycle syncing which she now calls “an entire navigation system.”
Reach out to Luarua through her Instagram or LinkedIn accounts.
If this moved you, subscribe, share with a friend, and leave a review, what part of Laura’s story stayed with you?
Welcome to Forge and Resilience. Real conversations for high performers facing transition. I'm Erin Hill. Join me as I talk with people about challenge change and the adversity they faced in life, so we can learn from their experiences, insights, and stories. Today on Forge and Resilience, I'm joined by Laura Coveny. Laura has spent over a decade in UK public health shaping policy and services for people who often fall through the cracks. She's a survivor of early trauma, loss, and long-term PTSD. She spent over 12 years doing the deep work to heal, and now through her business, the soul practice, she offers trauma-informed breath work and somatics to help people feel calmer, safer, and more at home in their bodies. Laura, welcome to the show.
SPEAKER_02:Thank you so much. Lovely to be here with you.
SPEAKER_01:Laura, um help us understand a little bit about you before we dive into your story. What's what makes Laura be be sat here today with me on on this podcast?
SPEAKER_02:Oh, big question. I love it. Um what makes you um following my purpose is quite simple actually. It's not actually that complicated. Um I feel this really strong um calling to to share what I've learned on my journey and to support other people who are also experiencing similar things to I, to what I did. And um, yeah, and if I can help a few people, then then that's amazing. And if I can help raise awareness, then um that's that's all I could really ask for. So uh so it's amazing to come and have conversations um with with people like you uh to yeah, talk about some of these big issues and uh and how we grow from them.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, yeah. I had a conversation this morning around around purpose, and and some people really struggle. And I'm I'm really curious how how you came to such a a quick answer there about following your purpose. What what does that look like?
SPEAKER_02:It's a feeling. It felt like the natural progression of um healing and integrating things that happen in the past. You know, uh the phrase sort of, you know, observe one, learn one, teach one. Sort of it's it's sort of that that sort of from the medical world um when they're learning surgery. Um you watch, you practice, and then you teach. So it's sort of that natural uh I think process of how we learn, isn't it? We sort of we experiment on ourselves, um, and then hopefully we reach a point where it just feels right to want to pass that on and share that. And uh and also it it keeps me deepening in my work. Um so it's it's really a yeah for me.
SPEAKER_01:What what do you think some of those lessons are then for people that that are listening today that you would love them to take away if there's not one, a couple, and if there's not a couple, or the most important one?
SPEAKER_02:Keep going no matter what. I think that's that's uh probably the biggest North Star. Just keep going, keep trying things until you find what works. Keep experimenting, keep picking yourself up, keep going again, and keep your mind as open as possible to new ideas, possibilities, opportunities, um and just keep going.
SPEAKER_01:I think there's there's there's a danger with that though, I think, with with certain people like myself that hear that and and make the assumption that that is just tough it out. But but knowing you, and I think it'd be a helpful bit of a context around your story, around keeping keeping on going, because I know it's a it's a lot more there's a lot more depth to that than than people might realise. So you know what it was it what is it that keeps you going or why is it important for you to keep going?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, yeah. When I when I say keep going for me, that meant knowing that I wanted to feel integrated and whole in myself no matter what. That became my number one mission in life, and that looked like periods of activity and trying things, and it looked like periods of um recovering and sort of on the surface, not doing anything, but underneath doing a hell of a lot. So um, so when I say keep going, it's more that that will, it's more that um that focus on this is where I'm going, but the way you're gonna get there is you know, it's gonna ebb and flow and take you on all sorts of strange um tangents. So I think it's um it's being it's it's more allowing yourself to to take those moments to rest, but to ultimately keep keep moving forwards.
SPEAKER_01:What what is it you were or are healing from?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, so in my sort of formative years at home, we sort of grow up, grew up with quite a lot of anxiety and depression in the home. But then that really came to a head when I was um an early adolescent. Um, my my family essentially collapsed um with a sort of sudden death of my father, the rest of my family kind of we all became strangers, and this left me very vulnerable, was 14 years old, and I essentially got picked up by by predators, um, and I got sucked into this world of um gang members, drug dealers who sexually exploited me as sort of a almost a condition of membership because I was looking for belonging somewhere, the family had fallen apart, school wasn't a safe space at the time. I didn't know I actually had undiagnosed dyslexia um and AHD. So school had never really been a safe space for me. Um, and a lot of my friends didn't know how to how to how to engage with me because everything I was going through was so um extreme and they they didn't know what to say. So uh so I found myself quite alone and really looking for somewhere to belong. So um, yeah, I got sucked into this underworld really, and it was like a condition of membership um was basically being being controlled and and used sexually. Um and there was a lot of uh sort of um there was a lot of there was a lot of manipulation and sort of convincing me that it was kind of my fault, my responsibility, because in some ways I took myself there on my own two feet. So there was some truth to it. Why would I take myself to another part of London um to spend time with some sort of shady characters? Um, but this was basically weaponized against me, and I had no one to talk to at the time because my mum was um overwhelmed with grief and just trying to keep the roof over our heads, and my brother was uh sort of locked away in his room just with his school books, so there was no one to sort of guide and counsel me through this. So essentially what happened is I just absorbed it, I absorbed the fear, it um it went right into my cells, right into my body. I went into very sort of dissociated shutdown um sort of state. And I basically spent the next 10 years in this very dissociated, frozen, fearful state where I was kind of constantly like looking over my shoulder, constantly fearing, even after I'd gotten out of that situation and I re-engaged with school and on the outside was doing well, was getting my qualifications, I went on, did A levels, did uni, went to work, etc. But underneath it all, I'd absorbed this belief system where I interpreted what happened to me as a reflection of something I had done wrong. I believed that I had failed to earn protection, that I hadn't proved myself worthy of being looked after, taken care of, um, and protected from these guys and given support to process what happened. So I was sort of just coping with this all my own, you know, and as a teenager in the early 20s, um, a lot of unhealthy sort of coping mechanisms that unfortunately are actually quite socially acceptable, like a lot of partying, a lot of drinking, substances, etc. Um, so it went under the radar because sort of everyone then was kind of doing it, but I was doing it for much more um kind of severe reasons, really. So yeah, so I spent a good 10 years in this just constant state of fear, feeling like anyone could do anything to me at any time, and no one would step in to support me. So it was a very scary place to be, and I was unable to feel present in my body. It was like I wasn't inhabiting my body, I was cut off from the neck, I was a floating head walking around, um, just kind of living my life just purely through my head. Um so that I also had like a lot of illness, I was constantly sick, I was constantly having insomnia, um, panic attacks, flashbacks, dissociation, a lot of shame. So my relationships were really rocky up and down. Um, so it basically just impacted every area of my life, my health, my well-being. Um, I struggled to get on at work because it was really it felt very threatening for me to be too visible. Um having sort of people's eyes on me, it felt really invasive and really sort of exposing. So obviously that meant like missing out on opportunities and not being able to put myself forward for things that I would have loved to have done socially as well. Um, so yeah, it really had a huge, huge, huge impact on every single area of my life. Um, yeah, but then thankfully there was a turning point.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, um, I I I'd like to pause just for a second and it it just recognize the courage it takes for you to show up and to speak about it. And no, and we've talked about this before about the energy that I feel in uh yeah, it's incredible the courage that it takes to speak up and to to step into certain conversations and to put it out to the world. So I just I'd just love to acknowledge you for doing that. Um thank you, and it means a lot. Um I'm I'm curious as uh as a father to two kids, how did you get drawn in to those sorts of circles? I mean, I under I can't understand, but I I've heard the reasons why from you, but I'm curious if we were to look out for our friends, kids who might be going through a rough time, what were some of the things that that yeah that drew you in that we as friends or parents might be able to look out for?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, well, I suppose it was quite a perfect storm because there was the lack of connection with sort of safe adults. Um so there was that gap. And then to be honest, there was also some, you know, it felt like quite an extreme distraction. So there was something quite exciting and glamorous about it. You know, I have these older, older guys, they have cars, they can, you know, buy buy things, and um and I wasn't getting that from anywhere else because home was just this kind of emptiness, you know, just this just this this hole, this darkness, this loss. Um so yeah, it it definitely kind of filled a need there. So yeah, and then I suppose the way it happened was um deciding to sneak out one night in the middle of the night. Um I went into this state of what's the point? I don't really care. Like extreme rebellious um sort of phase where I would just start bunking off school. And I'm I it hopefully wouldn't happen so much now. But at the time, the school wouldn't actually tell my mum if I didn't show up or if I went missing. I think there are better safeguards in place now, but that would have certainly raised a lot of um flags. So I would sort of maybe go to school and then not finish the journey, and I would sort of take a detour, um, meet up with these guys. Um and yeah, it started with um a decision to to sneak out one night and meet a friend, um, sort of walked walk towards each other sort of at midnight, meet in the middle, have a cigarette, and then we get chatting to some um some older guys at a bus stop basically. Um so yeah, sneaking out the back door. Um and it all kind of started off as this you know, when you're that age, it's sort of quite exciting the idea of taking control and doing something without permission. And it's this really strange kind of uh paradox because there's like an excitement to it and there's a sort of initiation and a sort of a coming age of it, but then it just went horribly wrong and quite extreme. So yeah, so I'm not sure that answers your question, but it it doesn't have to directly.
SPEAKER_01:It's all fascinating. What I'm hearing for myself is the connection piece to the to the people that that we love. Um yeah, I think that's probably the biggest thing I'm taking away. That the the opportunity to speak, as well as as I see my young ones starting to it's starting to give them mini bits of independence to control those small things um you know that are within within that have got boundaries or safeguards around them to start to give them that. And and obviously it's a very different situation, like you said, there's a there's a perfect storm. Um how how did you disengage from that world, Laura? What did that look like? You remember that moment?
SPEAKER_02:I mean, I feel just yeah, endlessly grateful that essentially I met met new nice people. So um, so I moved schools because I'd I'd been bunking off so much from the the school I had been going to because it was like a half-hour journey away. So I actually moved to a school that was on on my road that a lot of my local friends had gone to, so there was really no excuse. So uh so I actually moved to that school and then I made new friends, and they were just like nice, normal 14-year-old girls, you know, still, you know, doing nice, normal 14-year-old shenanigans, but like not on the scale that I'd been sort of exposed to. So, you know, Friday night, you know, having an alka pop on the sort of in the park kind of as opposed to sort of the more extreme uh things that I was um experiencing. So essentially meeting new people, um seeing seeing a new new way of life, being accepted by new people, um, making new friends and and moving to this new school. And then I had a teacher who sort of took me under her wing and believed in me, and we made a deal that if I I'd missed so much school basically, that if I tried to do all my subjects, I would have gotten terrible grades. So we made a deal that I dropped half my subjects and concentrated on the core ones, and then I managed to get really, really good grades. So um yeah, and then I just made this decision that I was gonna I was gonna turn things around and I was gonna get out of it. So I I'd had enough, I'd met these new people, seen this new way of life, and also I'd uh started. Oh, I know, I was at a I was at a a New Year's Eve party talking to some of my brothers' friends, and they were a few years older, and they were talking about things like going to university, taking a gap year, traveling, and it all just sounded so wonderful. I was like, oh, you know, okay, there are like other healthy, like amazing things, maybe I could do that. So it's definitely having like role models, being welcomed into sort of safe, safer communities and groups, um, and and having access to that gave me the strength to disengage um and to put up with a bit of backlash from that, but just to stay focused on no, I'm turning this around, I can I can do this.
SPEAKER_01:Well at what point did you start to have an awareness around healing and and and lean into or or seek some sort of closure and on all of this, Lori?
SPEAKER_02:Well, so so that sort of this kind of 10 years uh in in the wilderness after so it had this year of abuse, and then I sort of tried to move on with my life and just kind of let's just ignore that chapter and you know, let's just get on and like live a normal life now, but you know, that doesn't really happen like that. So um I had this 10-year period of like feeling, you know, really fearful, but just trying to get on with life. Um, and then basically the stars aligned, and um, my first job after I left university, I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I took an admin job at my local um uh local children's services, so social, social services for children. By pure coincidence, I just I just saw it. I was like, that'll be well, so fascinating. So I was working in a team supporting children in foster care, some of the most vulnerable children in the borough. And uh so I got incredible insight into into social work and and and God, I mean, yeah, the heroes that are social workers and foster carers. But it was so strange because I started, I had to keep the case notes of a lot of the children up to date with like their appointments and things like that, and and their grades and things. And I would feel really connected to them. I would read things in their files and their notes that felt really strangely familiar, and um and then basically one day I it was. A Friday afternoon, and I got the sort of you know end-of-week round robin from the senior leadership team newsletter, and they'd attached a research report uh from the the the office of the children's commissioner, and I was just reading through it, scanning through it for interest, and it was like reading passages from my own diary, because it was a qualitative study, and it was like reading my own journal, and then and then the title of the the research report was child sexual exploitation in gang settings, and it was like that was the first time it hit me the gravity of what had happened, the seriousness, and also that it wasn't just me. This is a there's a report about it, there's a whole field of study about it. There are practitioners who specialize in this. So I I I suddenly felt connected to something bigger. So it sort of shattered this sense of isolation that I'd been in, this really fearful, shameful isolation, because I hadn't told a single soul what happened. And uh and it just cut through it, and it was like it was like in the movies where the room starts to distort like that. It was really, it was a very visceral, very embodied reaction to quite literally, it looked as if my beliefs were just shattering one by one. It was a really visual thing. And and then what's more incredible is that that day I happened to be working at home and I was living at my mum's house. She walks in at that exact moment and she sees the look on my face and she goes, What's wrong? And I have this split-second decision to say, Do I close the laptop and just as usual go, oh nothing? Or do I show her and finally, after a decade, break the silence? So it's like a sliding doors moment. And, you know, thankfully, I uh I chose the second option and I just sort of pointed at the screen and I just said that. I couldn't say anything else. And then I fled to my room, dived under the duvet and hid. Um, I think just sobbing and scared of how she was going to react. And then she came up a little while later, very quiet, very in shock, just sort of sat on the bed, didn't really say anything. But there was definitely this sense of oh my god, everything makes sense now, you know, my my highs, my lows, the the sort of the volatility, the the withdrawal, the shame. She was like, yeah. So that was the beginning. That was so, you know, it was like this pure coincidence that woke me up to uh the gravity of what had happened. Um so I just thank the universe, fate, whatever, um, that that that sort of sequence of events happened because I don't know if I would have told someone, told my mum, told some. I I I don't I do not know. I really don't know because it genuinely felt like what happened was a a reflection of of what I deserved. So I have I have no idea, but I'm just so grateful I did. And then from there, it was just this really clear decision, right? I will do whatever it takes to reconnect to myself. Because now that I know there's a defined problem, I can now solve it. I don't know what the answer is, but I at least have a starting point, and now I can navigate from there. Whereas until that point, I had been in this fog, this dissociated, confusing fog of confusion and fear. But now I had something concrete that I could say, okay, I can start going that way. Now I can start going that way. And it it anchored me and it gave me language as well. So yeah, that then sort of started the next the next decade or so of um of trial and error, experimenting, you know, reading so much about trauma, journaling every day, every night, um, and then starting to access specific services for women who've experienced um sexual trauma, sexual violence, um, yeah, having some incredible, incredible healing experiences with different sorts of practitioners. Um, so so many incredible services. I mean, there there needs to be so much more of it because that the demand is so high, but they really honestly change my life. Being being fully accepted and understood for the first time. Um, yeah, I mean, I yeah, it I I it's so emotional when I think about them because yeah, they they they really changed my life. And I've met so many people on this journey who who had such a huge impact. Um and yeah, it was really, you know, it wasn't it wasn't sort of straightforward. There were lots of times where I would be sent in the wrong direction, particularly by GPs or doctors who didn't understand because they don't take into account sort of feelings and life experience. Um, and so many times I would just be prescribed kind of pills and medication, or you know, which which can have a place, but I wanted deep proper healing from the root. Um and I there would be a lot of disappointments, um, misdiagnoses as well. A few times I sort of had people speculating if it was bipolar um or um borderline personality disorder or um uh um lots of other things, and and they would just send me in the wrong direction and and and lead to nowhere and not support me. So it was a real process of just keeping going, trying different things, learning as much as I could myself about what was going on inside me, um accessing services. And I found, yeah, the more specific and tailored the service to my experience, the more profound uh the the healing was. Um, and then really learning as well how to break myself out of these um moments of freeze and dissociation, um, particularly during the night, because that was a big one, waking up in the night, sort of frozen, how to physically move myself through that, move myself out of it, and slowly, slowly teach myself that I have the power, just the physical power in my body to reclaim and decide I'm gonna move when everything in my system is telling me it's not safe, it's not safe, don't move. You want to be invisible so that you don't get spotted and hurt. Um, so rewiring it bit by bit by bit by bit by bit over years and years, trying loads of different things and gradually finding what worked for me. Um and then and then beautifully it sort of came to a point where I realized safety had become my default um mode, sort of being in a relaxed state, finally became the default, not the moments of respite. And then I got to explore, okay, well, what what actually just feels really good? And this is like the the the incredibly incredible place I'm in now where I feel so fortunate, where you know I actually get to just like really enjoy life and uh and feel really good now. But it's it's been a huge process from getting out of the frozen, trying to establish a bit of safety, a bit more safety, a bit more safety, and then eventually that became more of the default, and now it's more I'll have moments of anxiety and more sort of what I call like garden variety anxieties and worries, not this kind of like days and weeks and months of just like locked in um with uh yeah, these sort of trauma responses.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, there's there's so much there. Um what is your grounded practice or routine now then, Laura, that keeps you connected to yourself even after all these years of of learning, of healing?
SPEAKER_02:So there are a few things that I do regularly that really help. So it's still it's still it's still trial and error and experimentation, and actually now it's just part of life because life is experimenting and enjoying things. Um but just really like the big ones are just movement, you know, movement, whether that's dancing or whether that's just you know, learning that I can shake stress out of my body, and this is where um sort of the practice that I work with um clients on now comes in. So sort of that sense of um body-based mindfulness. Um so really yeah, doing lots of kind of movement exercise, that's that's been so important. Um I still do journaling every single day. It really helps me reframe things and sort of be able to coach myself um and hone in on what's going well. Um that's that's been incredibly important. And I'm a lot better now uh uh reaching out for help, talking to people, and I'm so lucky to have so many amazing supportive people in my life uh that I can that I can talk to now. Um, and another big one that I only discovered a year ago um is cycle thinking, and I think we've spoken about this before, but essentially this has almost like deepened my connection with my body in a way I did not know was uh possible because I was I spent so many years just trying to not feel scared and not feel rubbish, just trying to feel safe. So when I when I got there, then the next step was like, okay, how do I actually really get to know my body? Because I missed out on that as a as a kid, as a as a teenager. I missed out on that phase. So how do I do it now? And a huge tool that I do every single day is charting where I am in my menstrual cycle. And it, you know, it changes because it's a it's a month-long cycle. And it sounds, it sounds quite simple, and it's something in society we don't talk about, but thankfully, more and more there are there's a lot more information starting to come forward now about it, and women are starting to pay attention to their cycles more. But being able to synchronize my day-to-day activities with actually the like my energy levels and where my hormones are has been an absolute game changer. And this is the first year in my life I haven't been sick once. From where I was 15 years ago, chronically ill, chronically stressed, chronically insomnia. This yeah, this last year, since beginning cycle thinking and tracking, I've not been ill once because I'm paying really close attention to my energy and giving myself permission to rest when I need to rest and to to be outgoing and to harness the creative uh phases as well. So so many tools, basically, it's all out really just like coming back into connection with myself in in lots of different ways.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, I'm I'm curious about the the the cycle uh the cycle syncing. Um so am I understanding right then that you will be able to to recognise when you might have more energy or when you might be slightly more emotional. So if you've got a big presentation that's coming up, for example, or launching a business, then maybe this week um might not be as efficient as in two weeks' time, for example.
SPEAKER_02:Completely. It's it's an entire navigation system.
SPEAKER_01:Can can you predict then certain behaviours or or emotions according to your cycle as well?
SPEAKER_02:I mean it's still a work in progress. Um I'm get I I feel like I'm getting there. Um and it's yeah, it's it's not a perfect science at all. I do have hope though that uh as this beds in more over time, it will become more and more precise. So, but but yes, to some extent, I will I will consciously say I'm keeping this with this week fairly free from meetings, and this is more reflection time, this is more about evaluation, this is more about introspection, um, sort of luteal phase, menstrual phase, and then through then through uh follicular ovulation, that's really time where my energy levels rise. I feel a lot more creative, a lot more outgoing, and that's really time for things like this. Um so actually I have cycle synced this this meeting quite well.
SPEAKER_01:That does incompetent, right?
SPEAKER_02:So um it it's it's such a game changer, but it's it's really um counterintuitive to the way that society has sort of lumped us all into this 24-hour seven days a week um mode that kind of reflects the the male 24-hour testosterone cycle. Um so it's yeah, it's it's huge. Um I'm actually uh looking at doing some training um so that I can coach other women um in how to uh cycle sync because it's yeah, it's been incredible and it's and it re it requires a lot of emotional work as well because it's overcoming shame around shame around bleeding, shame around your period, you know, and I love talking, I actually love talking to men about it because I find men find it really interesting because it is almost you know, I could see the way you were talking about it, like a productivity tool. I would have I wouldn't use that language, but but yes, but but yes, and you know, I would love it if one day employers um had policies in place that that enabled cycle syncing to really recognize how creative we can be when we rest, when we really need to, when we don't push through simply because that's the sort of societal template or blueprint of what we're supposed to do, but it actually ignores our bodies.
SPEAKER_01:Um I I was genuine genuinely curious rather than thinking if I could hack that for for somebody. Um but um I'm I'm guessing then that must be a lot of there'll be some people that really embrace this, employers, and some people like that fuck that that just sounds like another another excuse for more time off. Another ex yeah yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Um yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's the challenge.
SPEAKER_01:100%. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02:And and also I think, you know, I I I don't actually believe every single organization does need to make accommodations. You know, I I think there also does need to be an element of um picking picking this picking the right environment. It's sort of it it it's a bit of both. Organizations doing what they can to be inclusive, but I do also think um, you know, this is actually one of my motivations for um for setting up my own business because I feel I am my best and I can serve my best working for myself. Obviously, it comes with a huge amount of like other stresses, but for me, that trade-off is actually better to be able to manage my time in a way that is so intuitive to my body, um that outweighs the sort of the other stresses that that come with it. So I think it's a big conversation to have. Um, and I'd be very interested to to see how that goes and to be part of that going forward.
SPEAKER_01:We'll come on to your business uh in in a in a minute, Laura. But I know one thing that we discussed in in coming on to this is the the open chat around around sexual abuse and um on the on the societal level as well, and especially with with men and I and I'm curious what what is it yeah, what is the message there from you then? How how how do we initiate those conversations or provide that that space for people to talk?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, uh I mean I think this is this is that's exactly the question I'm asking as well. And uh, you know, I'm I'm happy to sort of I'm sharing my story in the hope that I can I can help bring some of these conversations forward because I feel like I'm in I'm in this position where I'm I'm able to speak about it, I can talk about it, and also you know, I come from a background of working in advocacy and policy. So I have helped many patients and service users share their stories. So um, so I sort of uh that's kind of my bread and butter from a professional point of view, and now I'm sort of sharing my own story. So I think it's really about partly a lot about people sharing their own stories and being willing to be really honest um about what's happened in their lives, and the issue of abuse and consent. I mean, this really boils down, I think, to a conversation about consent and lack of understanding, lack of education, um, lack of skills around how to navigate that, you know, both both both at school, kids, but I think also many, many adults. You know, it's something we weren't taught. Um it's such a it's such a gap. Um and you know, unfortunately, a lot of us have to learn the hard way, but and and on both sides. Women, you know, learning, learning their boundaries and their self-respect and what's okay and what's not okay, and being able to articulate and voice that and get themselves to safety, and and men knowing um, you know, taking no for an answer and um actively seeking consent, not assuming consent. And I think this is a big issue that there seems to be this assumption that unless a woman screams and fights and you know is really dramatic, anything else is a yes. And I and I think if you ask most women, it'd be quite offensive to to sort of um assume that you know they they're gonna be open to any any man's advances um as a default position. But that sort of seems to be a huge assumption um that that we're operating on, and that's why there's this um kind of victim blaming that happens. Um oh she you know, she didn't she didn't do this, she didn't yell loud enough, she didn't say no, she was sort of passive. Um, and that passiveness is such a grey area and no one really wants to go there because it's really uncomfortable, but nothing's gonna change if we don't go there. So I sort of want to figure out, and I would love your ideas of how I can help with that, because it's really uncomfortable. I I know this. Um and we almost need to find a way of having these conversations where we can try and bring maybe is there a way to bring a little bit of lightness and humour to it so that we can actually go there? Because if we don't talk about these things and we just sort of, you know, do that, nothing's ever gonna change and we're never gonna learn. Um, I think, especially in this country, you know, we're we're really awkward and we really don't like talking about anything intimate or personal. But I say, well, it's not good enough when you have, you know, children being sexually abused uh on an insane scale. Um because some adults are a bit uncomfortable and a bit awkward about talking about it. It just is really um yeah, I can't accept that, I'm afraid.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, well, uh I think you you've asked my question. Yeah, what what is the conversation we need to have? And and whilst you think there, I I don't know that there's a straightforward forward answer. Um what I can recognise as a father is like you say, is is getting over my discomfort because these sorts of things they weren't talked about at the dinner table when I was a lad, and that's okay, there's no blame or judgment there. Um but um yeah, I uh seeing my kids ask me things because they have got access to um friends at school whose brothers or sisters have got mobiles who may show their um I'm not not even necessarily saying porn, but but the the most show them things that they're not ready to see or understand um and are saying things that have consequences or they say they know what like uh to have sex is. Um yeah, uh at nine years of age, I'm not quite sure. Um because there's a there's a yeah, on a physical level you might, but there's a whole another level there, and there's the emotional level. So yeah, I recognise, I can remember when my son said to my wife, I know what it is to have sex, and we were like, Oh, where's the where's the guidebook to this? Quickly looking at Google. But it was uh yeah, putting it back on the embell, what do you mean by that? You know, but yeah, like you say, going there, even though it was really quite uncomfortable. And interestingly, there's there's there is books out there um that explain things quite well. So it's starting the conversation, it's starting the conversation um uh uh uh around sex, around the discomfort. Um for adults, it's making it well, yeah.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, and I think um I think there's also there's such a sort of sanitization in uh in in society, you know. We we live in this culture, especially I mean, I'm in London, so you know, this is also quite an extreme um uh sort of case of you know, this living in your head, um productivity, efficiency, busyness, go, go, go, go, go. And, you know, people feel guilty for resting, people feel guilty for having fun and enjoying themselves and actually living in their bodies. So that's the kind of level that we're at. So trying to have a conversation about navigating consent from that place is really challenging. Um so so that's an issue. And I think I think another challenge is um well, not challenge, but uh, I mean, I think a lot of this, yeah, really comes down to compensations and role models and you know, healthy, both healthy, healthy male role models, healthy female role models. Um and I think I've spoken to quite a lot of people over the the last few years about this, and there's a sense that um there's this loss of sort of initiations into like womanhood and initiations into manhood, and everything has become a little bit sanitized, and we've kind of lost that, you know. It's sort of you live in your head, you sort of do your studies, you get your job and you you work and you do what's kind of expected of you, but we're kind of a bit you know, numb from the neck down. Um, and I think a lot of people are sort of sharing a sort of feeling like a missing, you know, like for women, you know, um having those open conversations about you know your first bleed and like what that means, like coming into womanhood and you know, your body growing and developing and having those safe spaces where you can have those conversations without shame, um, and and learning what that means. And and and the same for men, like what does it mean to to to to grow into a man and and and having those good examples? Where do we have that? Where does that exist? Unless you get really lucky and you hit like the jackpot and you have like I mean, you know, your kids have because they have you as a father, but um, most people don't have that. So, where where are you gonna get that kind of education? Because the way our society is set up, um we don't really have those communities, we don't really have those spaces. So I think that I think more of that stuff is starting to come through. I'm starting to see more kind of like you know, um like women's circles to to to really discuss that um and and sort of men's groups and things like that. Um yeah, we don't really have we don't really have that.
SPEAKER_01:Yeah, you've opened up a whole kind of worms there, and I love it. But yeah, the the initiation, I uh the conversation I had a con a chat with a mate of mine, Adam, around um initiation who happens to run this organization, he says, showing the mug, save a warrior, um, around that. Yeah, and a lot of the reason why initiations are so important is because it's almost a a an ending of the childlike phase so that we can step into adulthood so we're then not we're we're not we're not the Peter Pan type of characters that are just out um chasing uh the the the quick highs the quick one night stands, the quick line of coat, the next the next bonus, um yeah, accepting our place in in society. But I don't think it's an easy conversation to to have, and it's one that's that's but it takes somebody, and you know what was interesting there is I just go into my I was going into my head, who are you to talk about it? Um I can catch that and well yeah, we're here having a conversation. I I yeah, an idea is coming to me live here, is is to pull in different people and just have that conversation. This isn't politic, we don't have to be right, but we can share our experiences and and uh and our our thoughts and ideas. So thanks for that, Laura. You'll be getting an invite. Um and I want to give you an opportunity to talk about your business then. So you've taken this incredibly challenging um situation and and childhood, gone through your own journey of of healing um and being able to speak about your story and now and now set up your own business with those lessons. Talk to us a little bit about that, Laura.
SPEAKER_02:Yeah, so the soul practice. Uh so it's it's primarily using using breath work, breathing exercises, and somatic movement. So I sort of call this body-based mindfulness, because I'm not very good at uh just kind of sitting down and meditating. I need to, I need to move my body, I need it to be a bit more active, I need it to um be something I'm actively engaging in rather than a sort of a more passive process. So it's running, it's running sessions basically mostly aimed at women um to help them connect to themselves. It's all about helping people come back home to themselves. So I've been on quite a journey over the last year where I decided last year that I was ready to start sharing my story to help other people. And uh and then through this, I actually started writing out my story, and my first idea was to write a book. Um, but one thing led to another, things went a little bit off track. Um I ended up going to Bali on a writing trip. It didn't quite go to plan, but actually that turned out to be a great thing. Um, it was sort of one thing after the next, sort of allergic reactions, bed bugs, flooded rooms, lost passports, broken laptops. It was kind of like everything that could go wrong. It was just a comedy of errors, but it meant that I had to just kind of give up the plan and sort of surrender and say, Oh, okay, what am I gonna do? And I just immersed myself in this world of healing and ended up training in this trauma-informed breath work, using the breath to come back to yourself, using movement to come back into your body. And basically, all the stuff I'd intuitively been doing for myself over the years, I now trained how to support other people to do that, to feel more present in themselves, to uh to really integrate unprocessed grief, trauma. Um, because I think that's going back to the point about initiation, it's almost helping us integrate those early experiences so that they become fuel for us to grow from an inspiration and they don't hold us back anymore. So that's what I'm trying to do with this with this company. Um so I I run it, I run the sessions for sort of for for sort of general um general clients, but I've set it up as a community interest company. Um, so I'm also delivering free and low-cost sessions to more vulnerable um girls and women on low income who wouldn't be able to uh to to pay for sessions otherwise. Um and I'm exploring some partnerships with a few women's charities to hopefully uh hopefully serve more women. Um and then yeah, also trying to raise awareness of some of these issues around sort of violence and consent um and abuse and hopefully be be part of finding a way to talk about these these really tricky issues in a way that feels somewhat accessible, manageable, doable, not totally awful. Um so yeah, so that that's what I'm doing at the moment. And um it's it's quite early days, but uh yeah, it's it's my it's just the most incredible thing to be able to build this as sort of an extension of my own my own journey, my own healing, my own recovery, and to be able to see other women starting to feel good in themselves. That's that's really all I want, no matter whether you know it's day-to-day stress or whether it's some sort of major trauma from the past. It's just the most incredible thing to uh to be able to hold space for for women to kind of shift through those states um and just feel at more at peace with themselves. So um yeah, so that's that's that's what I'm doing.
unknown:Awesome.
SPEAKER_00:Love it. Well, uh is is the website uh up yet?
SPEAKER_02:Or not quite hopefully by the time by the time this goes out, and if not, then uh then I'll lose my mind.
SPEAKER_01:No, we'll update you and I'll put that I'll pick those the the the links in in in the show notes here as well, Laura. But I I'm keen as we start to to wrap up. Is there anything that that I've not asked you or that you feel that is on your heart to to say or share I suppose my I suppose my message, yeah, going back to the beginning is just to keep finding keep trying things and finding solutions and until you find what works for you.
SPEAKER_02:Um and I just if anyone is experiencing um that kind of loop of feeling stuck and frozen or detached from themselves, I just really want to um just really show that you really can you really can break through that. Um it's it's not it's not quick, um, but it's completely doable, it's completely possible, and there is a lot of help and support out there. So just just to have hope and just to believe that you you can grow through it and you can actually find a way to integrate the the most challenging experiences um and actually grow grow from it. Um it it can be done, but I think we do have a long way to go in in opening up more spaces to support that that are more responsive to people's needs. Um and yeah, and thank you for uh for having me on here and and helping me think through some of those ideas a little more because it's given me quite a few things.
SPEAKER_01:No worries, that's the way it works. That's the way it works. In fact, I've got I've got one final question for you. I'm I'm curious, yeah, that what's the one piece of advice you might give to somebody who is who's listening that may have suffered suffered sexual abuse or knows somebody that's sexual abuse, and whilst I understand what you're saying there, what's something practical that they might do? What what what direction might you point them if they are ready to to start that conversation?
SPEAKER_02:Yeah. Well, firstly, I mean, congratulations on just bloody surviving, but I think also telling yourself, reminding yourself that hopefully you're no longer in the situation um and there's something you can do about it now, that you actually have more autonomy and agency than we often feel we do when we're in that sense of um uh disempowerment. And I would say find someone or a service or whether it's something online that you can connect to because getting outside of yourself and letting someone else or a service or other people help you um help you see yourself in a different way, help you think in a different way, reframe things is so so so so important because we can't we really can't heal on our own. I really tried, I tried very hard. But um yeah, it really does need connection with other people to to help us connect to ourselves, so finding safe, safe people, safe spaces where you who you can trust um to support you on that journey is is really important. Um yeah, and you're probably what I know you're so much stronger than you you feel, um, and I think I think that goes for all of us.
SPEAKER_01:100%. Well, I love it. Thank you very much, Laura, for this conversation. Thank you much so much for the the courage that you have and the compassion that you can show for yourself for for showing up and and starting those conversations. And I hope you see yourself for the the the beacon of light and the powerhouse that you are, um for who you are being um for for so many people, including me, in your own way, shape, and form, just by by being you and initiating this conversation. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you very much.
SPEAKER_03:Thank you likewise.