S3 Ep113 Sharon Pickering: Built in Basics

If you’ve ever tried to “take a break” and found it weirdly uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Sharon Pickering joins me to unpack why permission to slow down can feel heavy for leaders, founders, and high performers and why that weight often comes from identity: the fear of being judged when you stop spinning all the plates. Sharon brings a human factors perspective shaped in safety critical environments, including work connected with NASA, and we translate it into everyday leadership resilience.

We get practical about what actually breaks first when life gets busy: the basics. Sleep turns into lying awake with a whirring mind. Hydration disappears for half a day. Food becomes a rushed afterthought. Connection to yourself gets drowned out by noise and urgency, much of it self-imposed. We talk about the underrated skill of saying no, and how “always on” can deliver results right up to the moment it doesn’t, when something snap, crackles, or pops physically or emotionally.

From there, we challenge work life balance and replace it with work life harmony: a deliberate, shifting allocation of time, energy, and attention across work, home, relationships, and health. I share my RCM model for burnout prevention and optimised performance: Rest (and sleep), Connection, Consumption (digital and nutrition), Movement, and Management of stress. We also explore nervous system regulation, how modern “threats” look like notifications and emails, and why small experiments beat rigid routines.

If you want sustainable high performance without losing yourself, press play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who never switches off, and leave a review with the one basic you’re going to protect this week.

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Transcript

Welcome And Permission Revisited

SPEAKER_02 0:06

Welcome to Fortune Resilience. Today I'm joined by Sharon Pickering. Sharon is a human factors expert whose career began in safety critical environments, including work connected with NASA. She spent years understanding how people operate under pressure from high-stakes technical systems to complex organizational environments. Today she brings that lens into the real world of leaders, helping them see where their performance is being sustained and where it's quietly breaking down. Sharon and I are working on something. We're taking a look at the common challenges that are faced by leaders, founders, and high performance. I'm wondering how might we be able to help and support. So welcome back, Sharon. Last time we talked about permission, which is a a word that's sat heavy for both of us. What are you laughing at?

SPEAKER_00 1:14

I don't know, I got the giggle.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

I thought I'd said something. I'm curious to know what I said.

SPEAKER_00 1:21

No, no, no, no. It's all good. It's all good. I got a lot of background noise going on, and I think it was uh slightly distracting me.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

I I can't hear it yet.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

Okay, perfect. We can continue. I got the giggle out of my system now.

SPEAKER_02 1:35

Get it out. I I'm it's it's all good to stay in, by the way, as in in. Don't have to get out.

SPEAKER_00 1:40

In in.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

No, no.

SPEAKER_00 1:42

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, we we are human after all, and sometimes even the most professional of people can find themselves giggling at the most bizarre things.

SPEAKER_02 1:53

There's always there's always a place for a giggle and a laugh. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Let's continue.

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Um, yeah, permission. From from giggling to permission. Who who gave you permission to giggle? I'm curious.

SPEAKER_00 2:03

Um my inner child was totally kicking in then, if I'm honest. You know, we could we could go deep down that down that road, but we don't need to. It's just um sometimes it's good to just get it out. You can't hold it in, and why should we? You know, who sets the rules? Which is quite relevant, I believe, for permission. Who sets the rules?

SPEAKER_02 2:24

Yeah. What what what came up for you after after that discussion, Sharon, apart from the the potentially the the weight of that word, what it creates for you?

SPEAKER_00 2:33

Yeah, yeah, like we we both it resonated with us in a heavy weighted uh oh, what does that really mean? How do I how do I build that in to daily life uh rather than just the two-week holiday that used to be the most um bizarre way that we rejuvenated ourselves because you'd spend the first week actually trying to feel normal uh or your version of normal, and then the second week in an anxiety state about what was pending when you got back to work. So, yeah, permission really sat heavy with me, and I was reflecting back on some of the things I'd said during the first conversation, and

Rest As Space To Hear Needs

SPEAKER_00 3:20

also very happy to be here to have this follow-on conversation of as to what rest meant for me. Um, and you know, rest for some people simply does mean sit down and take that moment, but rest for me was more of stop running at full capacity. Um, so it's not it wasn't really rest, I guess, in a traditional sense. It's not like I just stopped full stop. It meant that I slowed down enough to become more in tune with what I needed. Um, because it was just, I guess, drowned out by a lot of noise in previous ways of and that's quite relevant right now because I have a mechanical digger in the background taking down a mountain. Um, but yeah, I think keeping myself on all the time for everybody else's needs um created a lot of noise that didn't allow me to hear my own needs. So that rest allowed me not just the time but the space to then really process a bit more clarity around what's working here, what's not working here, back to what we were how we were framing it in the first session. Uh, and that then obviously a lot of uncomfortable things surfaced during that rest. You know, why am I behaving this way? Why do I feel the need to continue like this? Who am I trying to prove myself to? Um, which is something that we've just recently discussed. Um, so so it brought up a lot, I think the initial rest phase brought up a lot of really uncomfortable feelings, and then permission for me just felt so heavy in that am I going to be judged if I'm now suddenly not moving at a million miles an hour doing all the things, spinning all the plates? So super interesting. Uh and that I don't believe there's been a high performer that I've spoken to that hasn't also experienced that uncomfortable phase around slowing down and what that now means for them. So yeah, just curious what others who are listening, if if they have taken that space and allowed that time, are they also experiencing similar thoughts and feelings and motions around how uncomfortable it can be in the early days before you really

When “Always On” Stops Working

SPEAKER_00 6:10

recognise the importance of it?

SPEAKER_02 6:14

Yeah, um I guess some will have and some won't have, because one thing that strikes me when you're talking there about always being on is it it will work, it will get results, and it works really well until it doesn't. And usually we can push all the way through and something snap, crackles, or pops, be that physically, emotionally, or or or whatever, and and it's only then that we start to take a look. Two sex, just got a passport to sign for talking about leave the country.

SPEAKER_00 7:04

I'm gonna take this moment as some time. And here he is, that was quite quick.

SPEAKER_02 7:11

Done. Um Yeah, it will work until it doesn't. Um Yeah. Yeah. Um so and it's it's something that we've talked a lot about. Um and you mentioned one of the elements there for you was around arrest. Um and something that uh that really got drummed into me as a young lad, um early on in my military career, or midpoint in my military career when I went from the Royal Marines to to special forces, about that, one of the opening speeches we were given around this isn't rocket science or black magic, it's just the basics done well. And I never really understood what that meant. Or whilst the if I could understand the mechanical, it's the profound um impact it had on me and that the the the amount of truth there is to that, and it's something that we've talked about a lot. Um when things start to get busy, um how much of our basics we let slip. Um because we've built a whole system around constantly being on, and it's only when the cracks start to appear that most of us then then go back to have a look. Oh, well, why might that be happening? What why what am I leaving out? Um for me it's usually two things it's around rest and sleep, but also connection primarily to myself. Just so busy there's no space or time to to feel, basically.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

Absolutely, yeah. Uh and and an alternate expectation on oneself to be on all the time. Um, I am gonna share a few examples of where I didn't do the basics at all, let alone well, um in the early days

The Underrated Skill Of No

SPEAKER_00 9:05

when I was juggling, studying, full-time working, and trying to build a company with uh some international partners. Um for me was the inability to say no to anything. And quite honestly, it's the most underrated skill is the ability to say no. And I hadn't recognised at the time that that should and must be something that's equally as important as saying yes and delivering. Um, but I believe my my well, I guess my belief system at the time was if I said no, it it it demonstrated a lack of competence, uh, it represented a withdrawal of care almost. So I I never built that in. So then I found myself sleeping, uh well not sleeping, in a summer semi-state of um lying in bed with my head whirring and my phone underneath my pillow, answering emails to America in the middle of the night from the UK. And you know, just every time the ping went feeling an urgency to respond. Um and I and I wonder at what point that even made any sense to me now when reflecting back on it, because it meant that anything that represented itself as the basic level of taking care of yourself, like a a walk was not factored in, so it became this focus on getting to the gym, smashing it at the gym, leaving the gym whilst answering emails. Uh, and then food became typing with one hand to answer things whilst I don't know, seemingly shoving a sandwich down your throat. It you know, it's quite interesting now because I can look back and think who was that person, but I believe if I hadn't have actually almost pushed myself to the limits, and maybe I did on a few occasions that was never diagnosed, could I have recognized how chaotic that all was? And the urgency is a perceived state that nobody else was necessarily imposing on me. I was I was placing those expectations on myself, and it was so uncomfortable to say no, uh almost in an identity. In an identity that saying yes was something to be proud of. Um so then, yeah, slowing down meant a reframing of finding you know a new sense of self and and those basics were not easy to build in in the early days, really not easy. Because it it required a change of behavior, and it wasn't necessarily that anybody was guiding me. I had to guide myself. And I get now because I've done it myself, you know, I've gone out and I've seeked the help and support that I needed, but that's obviously not in everybody's um availability. But you know, the nutritionalists, the personal trainers, the coaches, life coaches, um, the mentors professionally to build that support network around me to recognize that the basics can be something that's in my control.

Harmony Over Work Life Balance

SPEAKER_00 12:42

Uh and you you mentioned something in a conversation that we had this morning about harmony. Um, you know, we we often see the term work-life balance. For me personally, I don't I don't see that that can be um I won't say achievable, but a good representation of how we're living our days. Uh and the conversation that conversations that I've had with professionals around the world, regardless of their background, is work-life balance is is quite a difficult one because it assumes that more of a 50-50 split. But when you're in a high-serving, high-achieving profession, how do we achieve 50-50? So harmony is an interesting one for me. So I'm going to pop that back to you, Ron, and just um, for you to delve a little bit deeper into what does harmony mean when you're relating that to doing the basics well.

SPEAKER_02 13:40

Yeah. So this is something that I I wrote about um talking exactly that about balance, and it was very gently challenged by somebody who then sent me a fascinating article. In fact, I'll do well to go back and find it and and link it to that. Um, talking about, yeah, they don't believe in that. It's it's much more aligned with harmony than than balance. Um, and then you know, in uh literally a week or two later, talking to Mike Bates on the podcast who talked about the same thing, and I love his example of having four categories, and as an example, they they might be home, work, relationships, and health, um, and only having 20 chips or counters of time, effort, or energy and deciding where those go. A lot of the people that that I've worked with and also he's worked with put most of their chips, and let's just say for argument's sake, 15, 12, 15 of them into work, which only leaves around five to be split between the home, the relationships, and their health. So if we're not taking the time, effort, and energy to to reinvest into those other things, then um over a long period of time there'll there'll be a knock-on effect. Um we're not going to be as present at home. Potentially our relationships are uh are on fumes and our health takes a very distant back seat. But that's okay if that we understand what what we're giving if our intentionality behind it is clear to us, if we're conscious of that. So harmony to me might look like one week putting fifteen chips into to work, and another week only putting five, and another week only putting one so that I can redistribute the my my my focus into other areas that are important to me, whatever those might

The RCM Basics For Leaders

SPEAKER_02 15:31

be. Um so for me in terms of m my basics, I work on it's something I've worked quite a lot with with certain clients, it's not the principle, but it definitely helps to understand how we're showing up with a certain level of foundation, even if it's not directly what we're working on, but around uh a model that I call the RCM model, which stands for rest and in brackets sleep, connection to ourselves, to others, and to our purpose or to a why. The other C is consumption, so that could be digital or or in terms of nutrition. And there's two M's, movement and management, management of stress and movement of our bodies. And so harmony to me looks like getting a little bit of all of those done as soon as I can, most of the time, being consistent rather than rigid with it. Um and as I alluded to earlier, one of the biggest things that drops off for me is connection primarily to myself, because I believe if I'm not connected to myself, I will struggle to connect with others, um as as well as the the bigger picture purpose and why. So it uh as with all things I believe it's it starts with me. Um so taking the time and effort to uh to sit with what's coming up, to to journal on what I'm experiencing, um, to have the conversations with mentors, coaches, um, and people that are in my uh circle of trust about what's going on for me is is usually something that pulls me back into harmony um rather than constantly guns blazing or thinking that I'm guns blazing when really I'm just sat in a cycle of procrastination or or putting something off. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 17:21

Yeah, I like that because I think we often forget it isn't a 50-50 split, and there are so many moving parts, and definitely trying to balance them constantly will take an ordinate amount of effort that is not sustainable or even really achievable. But you used a really image-driven term with me earlier, and you said it it's like dancing with all the components is a delicate dance to find the holistic version

Energy Awareness And Asking For Help

SPEAKER_00 17:52

of balance that works for you. And um what's been deeply rooted in a lot of conversations with the people I've worked with has been uh a conversation around energy and compass and capacity, uh, and that knowing your own signals means that you can find a better way to manage your energy and then therefore your capacity. So, energy awareness has been something that we've worked on really deeply because it's not it's not actually just about performing the tasks that are expected to of you in your profession and also in your life, it's about being able to assess where you're at, to then be able to understand what capacity you have left, and then look for look for resources as a support network. So you've just talked about tapping into the support system, and it's uh yeah, definitely something that takes a lot of self-awareness and then a big kind of courage boost to then to be able to go and ask for it. I didn't ask for help for years. Now I ask for help all the time, left, right, and center, but I'm much more comfortable with it. You know, if we think if we think back like we said last time, you we can't actually identify a turning point because it's such a iterative I don't want to use the word process, but it it's it's a circle that you're constantly running through and until you find ways to branch off and then and then find people to support and help. And I guess, you know, we the mistake is to treat yourself like the mach like a machine. And and you repeated back to me a quote that I'd shared with you some time ago, and I thought, wow, did I actually say that? Because it's not necessarily that I remember that that's how I was functioning. But the recognition of constant output rather than a human with a variable with variable output was um something that massively helped me and then really helped me help other high performers with that awareness side. Because, you know, then the way that

Nervous System Threats And Urgency

SPEAKER_00 20:20

we're designed, I've talked about this on many occasions, um mostly with you actually, is you know, from the nervous system standpoint, the sympathetic nervous system was evolved to handle the threat, but our threats are very different around us today. And if we want the parasympathetic system, which is the the one that's responsible for the rest, the the repair and the the connect to be more prevalent, we've got to take care of what we consider to be a threat. So just back to the to the urgency mode, you know, if it if an email comes in and your phone pings or your team's your team's notification pings, is that necessarily urgent? Or is it okay to just walk away from that device or the desk and just go and take that glass of water that your body's so desperately needing? And they seem such these basics seem too basic and obvious when we say them out loud, but it's surprising how many people I've spoken to that have gone hours and hours and hours without remembering that in order to think clearly make effective decisions has required them to be hydrated, and that they just simply haven't hydrated themselves for like half a day. And when you say it out loud, it's almost difficult to for it to not sound patronizing because we're not stupid. We know what the basics are, but it's engaging with the basics and it's putting them into practice. And it's embedding them in the way that they become so automated and so prioritized that then it doesn't require energy to factor them in.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

I think there's a really important point that you mentioned, then it's exactly that is to create these systems and foundations before we f before the cracks appear, before we need them. So in terms of rest or management of stress or even consumption and hydration, then yeah, how about we practice it? And and that's really clear to me at the moment doing doing sport here in the heat that the the amount of water that I drink is not enough. So I need to add a bit more salt and

Build Foundations Before The Cracks

SPEAKER_02 22:42

I need to drink more. Um and part of me is curious to see what would happen if I didn't, but then the headaches are to kick in and and yeah, it's not worth it. But yeah, definitely the the the need to practice, and I think there's it's it's also so important to find out what works for us, and we've talked about this a lot as well. Um for me, connection to myself is is having the time and space in silence in meditation to see what bubbles up, or just practice being still. And I know for you that doesn't work at all um yet. Um so yeah, it's finding finding our own finding our own formulas. Um I can't help but be reminded of the expression when you were talking now about we are human beings, not human doings. If we're constantly on, there we we're doing stuff. Um and it's not not to overthink this process, it's been small, consistent, like I say, uh experiments with for example, my training, since I've had kids, my my schedule has changed sometimes. It's 20 minutes of movement, it's more than enough, not the hour and a half that I would like to have. Um and and so it's constantly readjusting around, yeah, like we alluded to earlier, what my priorities, my priorities are. Interestingly, listening to a podcast yesterday, um and the follow it was a Brene Brown one, but it was a follow-on uh podcast from the high performance podcast. Um I forget the guy's name now, but he he we reminded me of in certain fields to be world class, which we uh uh often aspire to be, we need to be so selfish and and and and focused. But my I used to really judge that because I didn't think there'd be any long-term fulfilment within those sorts of worlds. But again, it goes back to understanding what our drive is, what our purpose is, and uh and asking is this a younger version of me trying to prove myself to the world, or is this what I really want in terms of my work output, um, how I'm showing up in the world. Um, maybe I don't need to put all this time and effort in. Maybe this email could wait till tomorrow. Maybe it'd be better to rest or to have a conversation with my partner rather than just one more email. Um yeah, just a knee-jerk from a few of the things that were coming up as I listened to you speak there, Doc.

SPEAKER_00 25:18

Yeah, you you're really framing it in a way that, you know, again, it's like it sounds like common sense, but high performance is is something that is perceived to be constantly performing at your highest. And and I'm always encouraging the reframe of that, and that's more of a peak. It doesn't have to be constant. You know, optimized performance is certainly more my mandate. Um, because you know, high-performing professionals have have optimized every system around them and almost as an as an afterthought, or not even a thought in some respects, had no system at all for themselves. So their capacity for others was really exceptional. You know, they're very fantastic at their job, um, but the capacity for self-awareness and the ability to take care of themselves fundament in the fundamental basic way first was almost zero. And that was a common thread, and it continues to be a common thread. You know, it we've now it's now packaged as resilience and it's packaged as burnout prevention and all the these terms that help us identify what's this state that we're operating in. Um so when I say it's a common thread, it's very obvious to me still that the basics almost were never added into life because there's always the push to attain. Um, but you know, for me, rest is not the opposite of high performance, it's the it's the mechanism of it. Um you can only perform at your highest if you've built in the system for yourself that requires you your buckets to be full, for want of a better way to phrase that. Because your nervous system, just back to what that means for us as humans from an evolutionary standpoint, the nervous system doesn't care about our ambition at all. It it will find a way to regulate itself, and and unfortunately that is manifesting itself in a deliberate, um, either a deliberate way or or in this in many cases through breakdown, which is you know the the label of burnout. So um yeah, it's finding a way to make those basics easier. Like you've said, you know, it it's it's little and often, and it's the adaptability. I I love that word actually, adaptability, because that for me is it makes it less of a pressure. You know, permission felt very heavy, adaptability feels very fluid. So there may be times where I don't necessarily have a hundred percent choice in what I need to deliver

Adaptability And Small Experiments

SPEAKER_00 28:28

because there is a deadline, because something bigger than what I'm creating as um requiring their output to move things forward. Um, so when permission feels very heavy, I can't do everything in a certain way every day. So adaptability is like okay, I can I can allow this for the next 24 hours, but I can't allow it for the next seven days. And that's really helped me work on my own harmony because if I try to do, you know, I use the yoga classes as a prime example for me because I don't do yoga, but yeah, I understand all the benefits of it, and I think it's a wonderful thing if people are are engaged in it. But for me to build that in wouldn't work, so therefore, instead of that, I do some mobility exercises and I take a walk by the lake. That's my version of my harmony space. Um, and that doesn't mean that I'm not completely plugged into something another day, uh, and maybe that walk won't be as long and it won't be as relaxing, quote unquote. Maybe whilst I'm walking, it's a much shorter route, but I'm actually thinking about what it is I need to deliver, and and that's okay because what I'm doing then is is harmonizing the basics with the with the need. And that feels much more comfortable to me.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

Yeah. Well, it's something you taught me as well, with with through all our conversation over the years is to run experiments. So small, small experiments. So if it does work, great, try again. If it doesn't, great, try again. From a scientific standpoint, rather rather than yeah, throw it out with uh with the bathwater. Um yeah. Um and and yeah, again, I can't help but think sometimes we mistakenly pedestal certain people from business, sport, and even the military and and see these uh positions or titles or roles as the pinnacle. Um not only do we try sometimes it well this being let me own this, it's been my assumption that's the only way or to to feel or to uh achieve success. Um not only is that not my world, copying it is is not always the wisest thing to do, or is it sustainable? Um so that can create a real like distance and level of of of judgment, but something much more attainable is is like you've alluded to is higher. Uh something again I listened to or heard from uh an article I read on LinkedIn about higher performance, not high. Certain people might be operating within those environments, we're not in those environments, that's okay, we're in our own. But what might what might a a nudge forward look like? What might what might 0.5% more rest or hydration or management of stress look like? Um, and yeah, get practicing, get experimenting.

SPEAKER_00 31:46

Yeah, and it was said to you for a very valid reason in in your special forces training. It's not something that to be taken lightly. And you know, I've I've spent a lot of time talking to my mentor, Lacey Smith, about her time training astronauts. I mean, that's that for me is like the the ultimate high performer, because that that is really you know a life, a life survival um way that they're trained, but but they're trained to build in the basics because

Astronaut Basics And Non Negotiables

SPEAKER_00 32:21

if they don't, they don't survive. Now, I I'm really intrigued by that because I'm like, okay, so if if from like a general average Joe Blogs walking down the street standpoint, we think about astronaut training. If if we were to really understand that the basics are massively prioritized, why isn't that something that we are trained to do or more aware of of the day-to-day when we're walking around the planet doing our thing? You know, where's this push and pull coming from? So I I really love that the science is not just the obvious things that our nervous system needs. It's tried and tested, you know, all these experiments that that we talk about, and all the things that you and I play around with and and share our output with and the experience, it's it's never really taught taught to us. The guidance hasn't been there, it's not instilled in the education system, it's very dependent on the environment that we grew up in, and then also very heavily weighted on us as a character. Yet astronauts have this ability to go to space and are so in tune with their needs that it's an it's a massive, and I love this word non-negotiable, it's a non-negotiable for them that the basics have to be part of that in order for it to be a successful mission.

SPEAKER_02 33:56

Yeah, fascinating. Fascinating. Doc, as always, my pleasure and more things to reflect on. Um and um yeah, I look forward to our next conversation on this, on these, um, on these not sound bites, but on these on these topics. And um yeah, it's been good. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 34:19

Yeah, always, always insightful, and I think you know the conversations are endless really because it it

Reflections And Closing Thoughts

SPEAKER_00 34:26

we're reflecting a lot on our own experiences, the people that we've worked with, and trying to communicate that in the simplest way possible so that it resonates with people that have have um the ability to to know that there's some aware more awareness needed. I mean, they wouldn't be listening to these types of podcasts if they didn't if they weren't aware. So the awareness is the first step, then uh swiftly followed by some frequent action in order to embed it. So yeah, loving these conversations. Thanks so much for hosting them.

SPEAKER_02 35:06

My pleasure to speak soon.

SPEAKER_00 35:08

All right, perfect. Tot you soon.